On Sunday night I had the pleasure of being among the millions of Americans to view what is simultaneously the best and worst thing to happen in television in years--the return of American Gladiators.
Fabulously shitty, it ran for not 30 min but a full hour. The challenges were the same as the old version: The Joust, The Gauntlet, The Wall, That Stupid Challenge Where You Run Around and Try to get Balls in a Basket While the Gladiators Beat Your Ass, and many more.
The contestants were super boring, nothing to say about them. We all know the real stars are the Gladiators themselves. I am entirely too lazy to profile all of them but here are my faves/most hated:
Titan: Awesome because he is the roided up version of a real life Ken doll, complete with non-threatening genital mound.
Crush: I like her because she may be the only bio-fem out of the entire group. Plus she has a sassy asymmetrical bob.
Hellga: Because she could crush me with her bare hands and there is something about that that I appreciate.
Toa: I am assuming he is a Pacific Islander (perhaps Samoan?). What really bugged me was that fact that he kept doing random "tribal warrior dances" and threatening contestants in his native tongue. NBC didn't supply a direct translation but I can guess the translation was along the lines of, "I hate myself for bastardizing my native culture for mindless entertainment. Please God I hope these checks clear."
Mayhem: Very disturbing looking. Hello girlfriend.
Can't say that I will tune in for another episode but I did appreciate the amusement the premiere brought me on Sunday. Lastly, why the hell is Laila Ali involved in this? Seriously Dancing with the Stars helps revive careers and this is the best that her management could do?